that time of year

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There’s something about cool spring mornings, with the soft light and crisp air that makes me smile. I remember waking up on these mornings as a kid, on a Saturday, to join my mom and dad out in our screened-in porch. I would sit on the fake grass in the small spots where sunlight hit to warm my skin. I’d be allowed to have a small cup of coffee, which tasted like a treat with cream and sugar swirled about in there.
I don’t know what the proper word would be to describe the feeling that I had on those mornings, that has followed me all the way through adulthood. Every time I wake up and see the cool sunlight peeking through the window, I get flooded with the same emotions.
It’s almost as though I feel inspired, or creative. The possibilities of what I can do, as a person, as a creative soul, feels almost electric at my fingertips.
I have been working a lot lately on positive self-talk. I am aware of the fact that when it comes to getting stuff done, I am my own worst enemy. I crave to read, to write, to draw, to hike. All of these things are right there in the back of my mind, but I find myself following the same unhealthy patterns.
And when spring comes back, and I feel like a little kid again, it gets to the point where it’s more work to ignore the voice in my head telling me to ‘go’ or ‘do.’ If only I could bottle that feeling for the dreary rain and snow days.
I am using my own encouragement and goal-setting to dive into my creative world once again. And I can tell you I already feel happier and lighter. I want to keep this motivation surrounding me, pushing me forward to do better and appreciate more.
I feel the urgency of this mission now more than ever. I want to raise my children in a fun, creative home. I want them to have the inspiration that I have become accustomed to. To use their imagination, and create, is one of the greatest things a child can do.

sober life

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Sobriety is something that has always been a struggle for me. For a long time, those around me were convinced, and were convincing me, that I was simply addicted to alcohol. And there was a problem, but it was much bigger than just addiction.
The diagnosis of being bipolar started to make everything clearer. Patterns started falling into place. The chaos that I kept spinning around me made sense all of a sudden.
I can honestly say that one of the worst things to go through is to feel yourself slipping out of control, and there’s nothing you can do to stop yourself. I am sure to those who are unfamiliar with bipolar will not understand but there are even times where I don’t realize that it’s happening.
Unfortunately, alcohol was a method that fueled this, and I gave into it for years. I drowned my sorrows and disappointments by having fun, claiming it was just a side effect of my youth and boredom from living in the Midwest.
Being trapped on this path shaped a lot of my life. I can think of lucid moments, or even larger periods of time, where I would look at myself from the outside and wonder what the hell I was doing.
Eventually, this slowed down as I become absorbed in my work, however I never fully left it behind.
In late December of 2017, I decided to stop drinking all together. There were one too many times of waking up with no memory of the night before or waking up and feeling shame because of the things I did. And most of all, now that I was on the proper medication for bipolar, all I was doing was causing it to short-circuit by drinking.
Obviously, shortly after that I found out I was pregnant. That takes drinking out of the equation completely, but I am happy that I made the decision prior to that.
I read about and follow a lot of sober success stories; people who are living with purpose and excited about the possibilities since they invested in themselves and have stayed sober. It’s always been an inspiring thing to watch. Now I have decided that I will follow the same path, because what’s more important than the health and happiness in our own lives?

time for change

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So, with everything going on in life, writing has fallen off my to-do list for far too long. For those of you who know me personally, you are aware of the changes I am talking about.
Back in January, I had started school again to finish my bachelor’s degree once and for all. That part was challenging enough, but in February, I found out that Shawn and I were pregnant. This was something that we had not planned but were excited about the news regardless.
I spent two days off work feeling not-too-great and decided to go to the doctor to make sure it was nothing serious or contagious. Imagine my surprise when the doctor comes in the room to tell me that I’m pregnant.
Now, given my history, this was something that I was extremely nervous about at first. Between the bipolar, being in a newer relationship and just starting my life over again last year, the news was overwhelming. But I’m lucky to be dating my best friend.
As soon as I got out of the doctor’s office, I called Shawn and told him the news. He drove home from work right away, and we sat together talking everything over. He made me feel safe and so ready to take this journey. And he assured me that all that had happened was we moved our plans up a year or so.
It was then we decided to get married. Shortly after that, we went and picked out an engagement ring. We did it together, which felt lie the perfect way. A week later when the ring came back sized to perfectly fit my finger, we announced to everyone the good news about getting married. Not too long after that, we shared the great news about the baby.
Even though everything came about as a surprise, our future is laid out before our feet and I couldn’t be more excited. I guess I have never been one of those people who expected to have things work out like this.
I know there will be tough roads ahead, life is never easy, and rarely ends up perfect. But what is perfect anyways? I have dedicated myself to our future, plus I am focusing on self-care and positivity. These things are more important now than ever before. I want to make sure I enjoy my life and that I provide a good environment to my family. Most importantly, I want to share adventures with my love, and teach my son the importance of fun and creativity.
I am so excited for the future, and can’t wait to continue sharing my journey.